This is Television

I’ve been noticing that car crash TV shows are springing up all over the place. I have to admit I’m quite partial to Jeremy Kyle and Jerry Springer, where the guests are largely capable of digging their own graves without the ‘bear-baiting’ the hosts are accused of. But these are just the tip of the iceberg compared to some of the shows I’ve seen recently.

There’s ‘Cheaters’, where we see people confront their cheating partners after weeks of surveillance. Unfortunately for the victim it always seems to backfire as the cheater will say “f off I don’t like you anyway, you stalker freak”, thus reducing the victim to tears, hysteria and great sobbing wails in a Wall-Mart car park. The confrontation is generally arranged to be in a public place, during the day and after the victim has consumed alcohol. Even better if the ‘other woman’ is there as bitch fighting is GREAT TELLY.

But one of the worst I’ve seen is a fat-camp style Aussie show called ‘The Biggest Loser’, which sets out to document the journey of a dozen or so morbidly obese Australians as they attempt to lose weight. But it’s not that simple – instead of giving them diet advice and healthy food, the producers regularly make them face ‘Temptation’ where they must choose to stuff their faces with a calorie-packed meal in order to get a reward, usually a message from their family. And instead of adopting an enjoyable exercise regime, they’re taken to a muddy assault course and beaten into submission by a screaming ex-marine. Surely this sets them up for an incredibly unhealthy relationship with food and exercise in the future? Who cares, it makes GREAT TELLY.

And then there’s ‘The Moment Of Truth’ which is truly in a class of its own. The premise is this: tell the truth and you win money. And the worst thing? If you lie you lose it all, and everyone will still know the truth.

OPENING SEQUENCE. LIGHTS UP.

“Welcome back and I’m here with Jodie and all her family and friends, we’re about to find out if she’s won $25,000. Jodie, before the break we asked you: Do you blame your dad for tearing your family apart? You answered yes, and…”

<mechanical voice> “That answer is: True”

“Jodie, you were telling the truth! Your father did tear your family apart! <cut to close up of embarrassed father> You’ve just won $25,000, congratulations. Now, I’ve got to warn you Jodie, if you choose to carry on, the questions are going to start to get personal. Are you alright with that? Are you sure you want to continue? You could walk away with $25,000 right now if you wanted. <long pause> Is that what you want? Are you happy with $25,000?”

“No! I’m going to carry on playing!”

<raucous applause> “That’s it Jodie! Jodie’s going to carry on playing the game, but now it’s going to get personal. <audience ooohs> Yes, you heard me right. Now Jodie I warned you things would start to get more personal. You were Miss California once weren’t you?”

“Indeed I was, three years ago.” <applause>

“And you still compete in pageants? <she nods> That’s fantastic. And you look amazing by the way, you’re in great shape. Doesn’t she look great ladies and gentlemen? <whoops and cheers from audience> Here’s your next question, for $50,000: Have you ever made yourself sick in order to stay thin?” <gasps from audience>

“Umm, I, ummmm…” <nervous laughter>

“Remember, this show is all about being truthful Jodie. You came here tonight with nothing, and you could go away with nothing. Think about it. How much do you want that $50,000? What sort of a difference will that make to your life? Just take your time, I know this is hard. <long pause> I’m going to need an answer from you. For $50,000, have you ever made yourself sick to stay thin?”

“Yes.”

<mechanical voice> “That answer is: True”

“Congratulations Jodie! You have indeed made yourself sick to stay thin! <muted applause> I think they’re clapping because you told the truth, not because you’re bulimic, but well done anyway! Look, your parents are so happy for you! <Jodie grins and waves to mortified family> Now for the next question. Are you ready? This is for the big money. $100,000. Jodie, you look confident, have you made up your mind already? Just think. What could you do with that cash? Holidays, new clothes, a new car…”

<takes a deep breath> “I’m ready. I’m gonna do it.”

Can you believe that ladies and gentlemen? Can you believe that? Jodie is going to risk everything… for $100,000. Now I told you this before Jodie, these questions are going to get more and more personal. Is that your husband sitting down there? <gestures>

Yes, yes it is, we’ve been married for nearly two years now.

Two years! Ladies and gentlemen, two years! <applause> Being married is great isn’t it. And he looks like a really great guy. <applause> Now, for $100,000, this is your moment of truth: Since you’ve been married, have you had sexual relations with anyone other than your husband?”

CUT.

What kind of person goes on this show? Is it just an exercise in seeing how much people will humiliate themselves for money? And what’s with all the close up reaction shots of the family? You can imagine the producers watching their little monitors and shrieking with joy over how many people’s lives they’ve managed to destroy that day, and what GREAT TELLY it makes.

Bin me!

Tempted by the cheery 7/11 ‘made to munch’ ads on TV at the moment, I picked up a sarnie from there this morning.  Mistake.  After a year of baguettes, flutes, ficelles and other such ‘real’ bread I vowed never to touch white sliced bread again. But this time convenience won out and I grabbed this ghastly sandwich.

The Trunk Animation version features silicone tomatoes, latex chicken and polyeurethane bread and ironically that’s more appetising than the real thing, a flattened soggy pile of sad-looking meat, whimpering lettuce and other tortured salad delights between bread that managed to be simultaneously stale and gluey.

As I threw the remains into the bin I remembered the fake sandwich’s cries of ‘Eat me! Feast on me!’. Reality is so disappointing.  But live and learn eh?  However I was cheered up by Trunk Animation producer Richard Barnett’s comment that ‘a rather gluttonous sole ingested a grape before we could convince him that it was fake!’.  Greedy fish would make shoots immeasurably more fun…

Becoming real

monkey horse
Originally uploaded by crumplestiltskin.

The Skin Horse had lived longer in the nursery than any of the others. He was so old that his brown coat was bald in patches and showed the seams underneath, and most of the hairs in his tail had been pulled out to string bead necklaces. He was wise, for he had seen a long succession of mechanical toys arrive to boast and swagger, and by-and-by break their mainsprings and pass away, and he knew that they were only toys, and would never turn into anything else. For nursery magic is very strange and wonderful, and only those playthings that are old and wise and experienced like the Skin Horse understand all about it.

“What is REAL?” asked the Rabbit one day, when they were lying side by side near the nursery fender, before Nana came to tidy the room. “Does it mean having things that buzz inside you and a stick-out handle?”

“Real isn’t how you are made,” said the Skin Horse. “It’s a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real.”

“Does it hurt?” asked the Rabbit.

“Sometimes,” said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. “When you are Real you don’t mind being hurt.”

“Does it happen all at once, like being wound up,” he asked, “or bit by bit?”

“It doesn’t happen all at once,” said the Skin Horse. “You become. It takes a long time. That’s why it doesn’t happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don’t matter at all, because once you are Real you can’t be ugly, except to people who don’t understand.”

“I suppose you are real?” said the Rabbit. And then he wished he had not said it, for he thought the Skin Horse might be sensitive. But the Skin Horse only smiled.